I failed the test

I sat the Intermediate-level DELE exam in November. I learned this week that I failed, and spectacularly. The DELE assesses Spanish competency based on five sections. Those five sections exist within three major categories: grammar, comprehension and writing. I failed all five of the sections assessed by the exam. I failed several sections by wide margins, such as 14 points earned out of a possible 25. I expected to fail the exam but not to fail every section. What should I make of this?

After I sat the DELE, I began to entertain the possibility that I reached the nadir of my progress in the language. Sure, I can learn a new word or phrase but the potential to use the language is gone. I intentionally chose the verb 'to use' because my relationship with the Spanish language is akin to that of a parrot's relationship with English. A parrot can 'say' words but it cannot form sentences befitting a context. "Polly want a cracker" is not the same as "My feet are killing me, so let's take the subway."

Speaking the language is humiliating. I immediately become the village idiot when talking to a native speaker. I hear the mistakes leaving my mouth and then want to crawl into a hole. The texture of this situation is that of a social anxiety disorder. My brain wants to engage. Instead, it misfires.

I have not yet learned how to think in Spanish. I cannot express my feelings, environment, routines in Spanish. I cannot use the language to communicate with a Spanish speaker. I possess skills good enough to receive the language (reading) but not good enough to transmit the language (speaking, writing).

I recently read an essay about the lives of great English authors. The essay's author notes towards the end that the authors 'lived, worked, thrived, and died in the language.' That is a touching description. In the aftermath of the exam failure, I wonder how to 'live' in the Spanish language. It seems impossible. I don't use the language every day, because I am not forced. Every day is an English day: English at the café, English at the office, English at school, English at a restaurant. Spanish happens because I make it so: pick up a book, listen to a podcast, listen to Spanish music, read a website, or flip through note cards. I don't daily speak the language because I am not forced. Learning the language feels more and more futile.

This week, I wrote a message in Spanish that my boss wants to send to our Latin American teams. I asked a colleague in México to read it, make any changes he felt necessary, and send it back to me. He did exactly as I asked. His suggestions for revision was essentially to throw out the original. Nearly every sentence that I wrote contained a mistake. He did not understand an entire section ("i am not sure what you are wanting to say here"). I wished that I never asked.

Two weeks ago, a man from a plant in México called my department. He asked me if I spoke Spanish because, I "said his name right" (Raúl Saavedra). I said no.